10/04/2009 BLESSING THE CHILDREN: Frank Talk About Kids & Divorce

BLESSING THE CHILDREN:

Frank Talk About Kids & Divorce

 

“And he took them up in his arms, laid his hands on them, & blest them.”

 Mark 10:16 (NRSV)

 

Does it strike you as curious, if not divinely coincidental, that our Savior’s infamously popular & heart-warming blessing of the children comes directly after his hard teaching about divorce?  I wonder.  If this is deliberate, what gems can we mine from the placement of these two sets of verses – from the context -- that is not immediately apparent in the literal words of scripture?  Also, what lessons can we reasonably infer with integrity from those very words & intents of Jesus?

         

          This morning, I want to address a model of how to parent our children when separation or divorce becomes a reality in their lives.  In the process, I hope to suggest some “best practices” for parenting that benefit our families in the best of times, too.

 

          When marriages dissolve, I’ve often asked, why it is that the children we so lovingly brought into the world, & into our homes, at times become forgotten – sometimes by both parents simultaneously? How does a family go from “being all about our kids” to being all about us, the adults?  If we’re not watching out for our kids, who is?  Who will?  Sadly, this is reality in that parents are often not conscious of the effects of their situation on the children during this time, because they’re so wrapped up in their own hurt & confusion.

 

It is clear to me that when a marriage devolves to the point of separation or divorce, even the most well-meaning parents become self-focused.  This is understandable.  Such a painfully emotional time, like any physical wound, has the potential to naturally direct energies to self-care & survival.  Again, the self-focus is not an indictment, but a fact.  Living in an age of individualism, however, when it is too often the norm to be “all about me,” there is a heightened risk for children to be forgotten. 

 

          The message today is one that Jesus always upheld: consider & care for the children.  In his day & our own, minors, as the title implies, are of low status & have few rights.  They are in a precarious position of dependency on the adults in their lives.  If we become distracted & redirected, at best, or at worst, become emotionally absent & incapacitated, Jesus would raise the child’s side. 

 

As persons who’ve taken congregational vows at a child’s baptism, we, too, have the responsibility to raise the side of children – to prevent hurt & bring healing.  I know many “messy divorces” where gracious, loving members of congregations made all of the difference in the lives of children, & truly improved their outcome by defeating the odds, something the Holy Spirit alone can do.  We are an extended family.

 

          I’m sure many of us have seen that Nextel commercial with the walkie-talkie like cellphones being used in divorce court.  In it, the judge rules that everything will be evenly divided among the former marriage partners.  Costly works of art are sawn in half, as is the house which falls apart.  Then, just as we’re led to believe that the family dog will be sliced in two also, the couple is granted joint custody of the pooch.  We draw a sigh of relief & nervously chuckle.

 

          One can aptly draw that analogy to children.  In our Old Testament lesson, the judge, wise King Solomon, actually ordered the disputed child to be split in two.  He knew that a loving mother would never let such a thing happen.

 

Sadly, when parents today are at odds, the children can be emotionally cut in half.  Family therapists call it, “split loyalties.”  In simple terms, the child loves both parents & is split in terms of whom to love & how to divide that love.  S/he feels the need to choose one parent over the other.  It’s extremely stressful for kids, even when separations proceed smoothly among astute, loving parents aware of this pitfall.  When parents are unaware, more problems develop.  Worse still is when one parent talks bad about the other parent to the child or uses the child as a pawn or informer against that other parent.[1]  In these cases, research shows that even more harm is done to the child.

 

Let me also say that splitting loyalties can happen in non-divorcing families when, say, one parent places a high value on faith & the other parent does not.  The parents may be able to navigate these waters in their marriage, but children have a hard time selecting which parent to emulate & obey.  Quite frankly, children often “act out” in situations like these.  It’s unfair what normally sophisticated moms & dads unintentionally do to their children.

 

And it is a matter of fairness, of being fair to our kids.  Parents often quote the 5^th Commandment about honoring one’s mother & father.  Parenting, though, is a two-way street with scripture placing requirements on both parties, parent & child.  St. Paul the Apostle adds the necessary corrective that parents, most notably fathers, should not provoke their children to anger, or as we would say, cause them to act out.  Paul, despite a reputation for being hard on women, does specifically address fathers here.  Although we know stories of women who abandoned their offspring, there are far more men who ignore their kids.  Even in our gospel lesson, it is the male disciples who send away the little ones.  My point today is that the onus for this responsibility to not provoke our children falls on the shoulders of the parent, that being father & mother.[2] 

 

Here is sound advice any day of the week, but especially when parents separate, namely: (to) establish a covenant between parents & children.  What obligations do children have toward parents?  And what do parents owe their children?  What kind of things would we place in this covenant?  

 

While a contract is between two parties, a covenant is a three-way matter, in this case child, parent, & God who serves as the divine witness. 

 

The legendary Univ. of Pa. researcher, Dr. Martin Seligman, in his studies on human happiness, notes that we are most happy when we are connected to something larger than ourselves.  That’s what faith is about.  That’s what covenant is about.  That’s what parenting is about as is sets up patterns that cross the generations.  Family covenants move us from the self-centered focus I mentioned earlier, to something that is, indeed, larger than ourselves.

 

We know that children are to honor & obey the elders in their lives.  That’s simple.  That’s their part of the covenant.  We could expand it, to be sure.  We could write in: will brush teeth before bed or will only have no more than one teen when driving the car, etc.  What does it mean, though, to not provoke one’s children to anger?  What covenantal responsibilities do we have toward our kids?  I hope this exercise gets us thinking.

 

Some parents may answer that question by saying, “I gave you life.  That’s all I owe you.”  Okay.  Others would pledge to love their children; feed, clothe, & shelter them; keep them safe & secure.  Others might add conditions that they owe their children a stable home life of staying together as a couple, at least until the children are grown.  Still other parents would agree with all of that, but put in the caveat that they agree to stay together, unless one of the partners becomes physically or emotionally abusive.  We understand that qualifier.

 

          Those are some fine essentials for a covenant.  We acknowledge that there are different covenants for each family.  I’m not suggesting which one is best for you. 

 

          In times of separation & divorce, though, it may be advisable to initiate a covenant or re-negotiate the old one with some new considerations. ---

          How about promising that both parents sincerely participate in acquiring professional help with the marriage, before it reaches the point of no return?  Could we agree that we owe that to our kids?  How about extending counseling opportunities to the children themselves, as they require?  Or, at least work out the parenting issues?

 

          How about agreeing to not parentify the child by using the child as our confidant, expecting him/her to compensate for our emotional neediness, or putting any expectations on children that are impossible for them to fulfill at their stage of development?  Can we pledge to not do those things?

 

          How about going the extra mile to keep the child’s situation as normal as is realistically possible?  A lot’s changing, no doubt.  Can many or most of their routines & relationships remain?

 

          When parents focus on their issues, they may take their eyes off their kids’ issues.  Kids always have academic needs, personality quirks, or behavior problems unique to them.  Can we agree to keep on top of those concerns, rather than saying, “They’re going through enough right now (& ‘I feel guilty what we’re doing to the kids,’ or ‘I’m emotionally depleted & out of energy’), so I’ll let their grades slide, or let their bullying resurface,” or you get the point.  Children need the consistency now more than ever.

 

          How about parents agreeing to live within walking distance of one another, when the divorce is finalized?  I know one family that remodeled the house for the one parent to live separately from the other.  It was cheaper than renting an apartment & the kids always went to the same address to be with their parents.  Mom & Dad couldn’t make the marriage work, but they made this work for the sake of the kids.  In cases when work or a new marriage compels a distant move, then renegotiate the covenant to justly address this greater distance.  Children need assurances that only their parents can provide.  It helps them feel a degree of control when everything seems to be out of control for them.[3]

 

          How about pledging to not bring dates home to sleep, especially when the kids are around?  Or, if the relationship builds to the point of a new significant other in the parent’s life, pledge to not live together before marriage or not expect that new person to assume parental roles in the child’s life?

 

          I say this for a few reasons in addition to the biblical ones.  First, divorce puts children at risk for a lot of problems, but moving a new person into the home, puts them at greater risk of abuse.  How well do you know & how long have you known this individual?  Don’t let this person babysit your kids after only being acquainted for a few weeks.  Don’t expect your children to be as enthused as you are about your new relationship.  It’s taken you time to develop the relationship as an adult.  It is reasonable to expect your child to take as much time, maybe even more.  For the child’s sake, what I’m saying is to move slowly with new parenting situations.  And if there’s to be a blended family, act with all deliberate counsel & judicious caution.  It’s your child we’re talking about, not just your happiness & security.

 

          A covenant, by its very nature & definition, is about more than just you & what you want.  Although parents may dissolve their marital vows to one another, the vows, obligations, & responsibilities we have toward our children remain.

 

“And he took them up in his arms, laid his hands on them, & blest them.”

 

          May we do the same.

 

In the Name….                         Copyright 2009 by G.D.Knerr at Lansdale, Pa.  All rights reserved.